During the COVID-19 pandemic, a family took advantage of reduced cruise ship prices and booked a trip. The journey became challenging when one of the ship’s propeller motors failed, causing delays and canceled port stops. While many passengers were upset about their disrupted vacations, this particular family felt differently.
Their perspective was shaped by an earlier incident: on the way to the port, they suffered a flat tire in their rental car and discovered there was no spare. After eventually finding help, they arrived at the port just as the gates were closing. This close call made them grateful simply to be on board, so missing a few destinations seemed minor compared to almost missing the entire cruise.
The author, who researches gratitude, reflected on how this experience changed their understanding of thankfulness. They explored whether it is possible to feel grateful for things that did not happen—such as disasters avoided or criticism withheld.
Philosophers refer to these imagined alternatives as counterfactuals—scenarios that could have happened but did not. Counterfactual thinking allows people to learn from mistakes but can also lead to regret if overused. However, it can foster gratitude when focused on “beneficial absences”—the positive outcomes resulting from what did not occur.
Three types of beneficial absences are highlighted:
1. “Could have been a disaster” (CBAD): Thinking about worse scenarios that were avoided can increase feelings of thankfulness. Research shows that people who reflect on narrowly avoided bad outcomes often report higher gratitude levels than those who focus only on happy events.
2. Grace through restraint: Sometimes gratitude arises when others choose not to criticize or discipline us even if we deserved it. Studies suggest employees feel more grateful toward supervisors who withhold punishment out of kindness rather than favoritism.
3. Respecting autonomy: People may also appreciate times when others refrain from offering unsolicited advice or help, recognizing that withholding assistance can sometimes be more supportive than intervening.
The article suggests practicing gratitude by reflecting on these beneficial absences—asking oneself about close calls, moments of grace, and times when autonomy was respected.
“Gratitude isn’t just about what’s seen and said — it’s also about the criticisms swallowed, the advice people resisted giving, and the disasters we narrowly missed,” writes the author.
