Gail Heyman, a developmental psychologist at the University of California San Diego, is drawing on her research and personal experiences to share advice on how to have more constructive conversations across differences. Heyman studies how people form beliefs, judge credibility, and understand honesty—including how they learn to lie.
Heyman notes that many misunderstand the idea of a “civil conversation” as simply remaining silent to avoid conflict or pretending everything is fine while harboring resentment. She says, “We learn through disagreement. We learn by being challenged.” According to Heyman, engaging with opposing viewpoints can be uncomfortable but also valuable for personal growth.
She recommends approaching disagreements with curiosity and listening closely. “The times that people have changed my mind or helped me grow were when they disagreed with me,” she explains. She adds that showing genuine interest in another person’s perspective makes them more likely to listen in return: “If people sense that you’re genuinely interested in their perspective, they’re more likely to listen to yours.” Curiosity and openness may not lead to agreement but can foster trust and bridge divides. As Heyman puts it, “Curiosity helps us see the humanity in people who are different from us. And in a world that feels divided, that’s something we all need more of.”
Heyman also points out the importance of assuming good intentions during disagreements. She says conflicts often escalate because both sides assume negative motives: “If you come in assuming the other person is just trying to score points, you’ll respond in kind. But if you assume they’re acting in good faith—even if clumsily—you can respond differently, and the whole tone changes.”
Diffusing tension—sometimes with humor or by focusing on shared goals—is another strategy she highlights. Recalling conversations with her brother who holds different political views, Heyman observes: “We used to get stuck in the same unproductive loops… These days we don’t talk much, but I still believe we care about many of the same things—like fairness, family and a better future—even if we disagree on how to get there.” Focusing on common ground can help reset discussions.
Sometimes stepping back is necessary for preserving relationships: “Not every disagreement is worth pursuing,” she acknowledges. Ending a conversation respectfully can leave open possibilities for future dialogue.
Heyman advises being selective about which topics are worth discussing and being clear about objectives when addressing sensitive issues. For high-stakes situations, she suggests consulting trusted friends before proceeding.
For Heyman, civil conversations are not about winning arguments but about building stronger connections.
